Letting Go

The most difficult lesson that I have had to learn so far is to let go of the things you cannot change. I am a planner. I like control. Now I am not saying I am a control freak, I just like to know where things are going. Like money, future plans, and well myself. My husband, however, is the complete opposite. He is the live in the now kind of person. And, man, do I wish it would rub off on me. For today I took a pregnancy test. That's right, stupid me. Ever since that false pregnancy my system has been of the fritz. My periods are no longer regular. But out of sheer hope for my situation, I thought there was no way I could be on a 35 day cycle. I was wrong. My pregnancy test came out negative.

A strange thing happened at that moment. I wasn't disappointed. Well I was but not to the extent I thought I was going to be. You know the crying hysterics I am so used to succumbing too. I now believe I am truly numb. Maybe I have convinced myself that I will most likely never get pregnant again. Could that be true? I don't know. I have people telling me that I will have children, just at the right time. Maybe it's for the best that I convince myself of me never conceiving a child. Therefore, nothing can let you down if you were never hopeful in the first place. I know sounds like denial.

I never really thought of myself as a religious person. More spiritual than anything. But I do believe there is a God. I seriously don't get his plan for my husband and me. I am so tired of trying to do everything myself. So instead of trying to control the situation. I am letting it go. I think I have already started that process and that is why i wasn't so broken up about my negative test. Lets see if it truly works out in the next couple of weeks.

I heard a song on the radio this morning, running errands, that really inspired me. The song was by Britt Nicole. The lyrics in every way spoke to me. i would just like to share them.

Feels like i`ve been here forever,
Why can`t you just intervene?
Do you see the tears keep falling?
And i`m falling apart at the seams.
But you never said the road would be easy,
But you said that you would never leave.
And you never promised that this life wasn`t hard,
But you promised you`d take care of me.

So I`ll stop searching for the answers,
I`ll stop praying for an escape,
And I`ll trust you,God, with where i am,
And believe that you will have your way.
Just have your way.

When my friends and my family have left me,
And I feel so ashamed and so cold.
Remind me that you take broken things
And turn them into beautiful.

So I`ll stop searching for the answers,
I`ll stop praying for an escape,
And i`ll trust you, God, with where i am,
And believe that you`ll have your way.
Just have your way.

Even if my dreams have died,
And even if i don`t survive,
I`ll still worship you with all my life.

Almost to the Point of Giving Up!

It seems that life really is like a wave. You have your highs and your lows. Unfortuantely it seems the highs do not last long. Atleast, not for me. It has been awhile now since my last blog. Since then, my husband and I, have been trying to concieve. One year after the loss of our angel. We were positive, excited, and happy. I went off birth control and was off of it for 5 months. Then we started to try. We got a positive test the first month we had been trying. So excited that we might have a second chance. Only 5 days later did I start my period. Normal right? Except that it was a fluke. My body didn't recognize it as a pregnancy and had an abrupt abortion. I was devastated, I want to just shake myself and try to stop getting my hopes up. Since then, I haven't had much luck in concieving since then.

So now my "healed" feelings are not so healed anymore. Its coming back. All my hurt and anxiety are here. Somehow the thought of me being able to try again and have a second chance kept me going. Now the thought of me might not being able to concieve. That Ashlynn was my only chance just seems curshing. It seems everywhere I turn someone is pregnant. It comes so easily to them. My heart breaks so many times over and over again. I want to be a mother so badly I can't stand it. People are having kids that in all reality don't deserve such a wonderful gift.

But I can't help but to have hope. Lately I have been crying more and even thinking about my baby girl has me in tears. Is it because I am having a hard time getting pregnant? I do not know. Wish I did. I miss her so much. It's crazy how it seems like it happened not to long ago. I still remember how she felt so tiny and light in my arms. Every detail engraved in my mind. I still do not have an answers to my questions. I never expected that when they time heals all wounds...that it would indeed take TIME. That the time is different for everyone. I thought I was ready to move on and I have. It just seems that my troubles in concieving are bringing that loss back to the forefront of my mind. Thats all I can think about.

I am praying to the Lord to give me strength. Get me back on track. To not focus on the negative. keep hope of what the future might bring. Give me patience (which is one thing I am indeed lacking). Although doesn't help that it seems everyone and their dog is pregnant. I am to the point of almost giving up. Everytime I am to that point I can't let myself cross that threshold. Maybe thats what is keeping my head above water. That if I give up hope, they will have to carry me to the loney ben and I wll never return. That's it so far. When things go good for a while you find yourself just waiting for the ball to drop..... I am there. Wondering if me having a hard time getting pregnant is the ball hitting the floor. I hope not. Or maybe I hope it is. Cause atleast it is something I can overcome. We will see. I have no idea what the future holds. I only hope that our luck changes. That it is our turn for once. Something has to go our way for a change! Doesn't it?

Life's surprises

Life. It has a way of taking you by surpirse. Both in good and bad ways. Something happens to us that in our wildest dreams or nightmares would ever happen to us. When my husband and I had lost Ashlynn so suddenenly and without warning, we had never given a possibility of that happening. A friend of mine, her husband passed away unexpectedly. For no reason. It gives us a reality check, one that we feel we didn't need or want.



My friend and I are in different situations but almost same in our grief. Her husband passed away in the early morning. Right under her nose. She is just coming back home from the funeral. My heart aches for her. I understand what it feels to lose someone close in your heart. Granted, this is not the same type of loss, but a loss all the same. The same proccess of grief, your heart shatters the same. You keep hoping that maybe it's not real, that you will wake up and there they will be in your arms. But sadly you will never wake from this nightmare. Or maybe you hope that what they say is true. That time heals all wounds. Your impatient. You want that time to come now. If only you would stop hurting, crying, and being afraid. Losses are indeed individual. She lost her husband of only 2 years. I lost my baby of only knowing my angel for 6 months. First time seeing her was only in her death. Does that mean that her loss is worse than mine? Or the other way around? I don't think so. We all feel the same way, maybe just on a different level. Thoughts are different. Some are the same. We all ask questions.



What should I have done differently? Then comes the what "Ifs". What if I would have noticed something? What if I would have woken up sooner? Or If I had asked more questions, and demanded more answers? What if I watched more closely? These are the questions we ask ourselfs. If we let it, they will take over and we will get lost in them. But that is grief, something you can get lost in. Time does not heal your wounds, but just fills in the cracks with acceptance. Time.....it gives no deadline...it's not specific. That is what is so frusterating. It could be months, years before the cracks are filled in.

Back to my friend. I want to help her. Find some words of comfort, but as in my earlier blogs. There really isn't any. The most you can do is lend a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. Events change others as well. My daughter didn't touch many people, not in a way she did my husband and I. But my friends husband did. He touched many people. Neighbors are moving because of this. Friends are leaving...it changes everything.

Life is funny that way, but a dry humor it is.

WHY PEOPLE SAY WHAT THEY SAY

Someone told me recently that all souls choose their time. They choose their parent's and they choose their length of stay. I am not sure if this was a comforting thought for me. All I can think is "why didn't my two little souls choose to stay with us?" If this philosophy is true, then why didn't my babies want to stay? What made it that their stay had to be so entirely too short on this planet. So short in fact, that all I had time for was to know what song she prefered to hear, how she got her days mixed with nights, and how it felt like she loved to make my insides a punching bag. I am not sure how I feel about that statement. Or any of the statements and words of comfort that come spouting out from people trying to console the unexplained. "Oh, it is just natures way of taking care of itself." "Don't worry, you will have others!" Or what about "Don't worry, you will get to try again, and the fun is all in the trying!" What people in general don't understand is these words and anecdotes are actually the salt in the wound- at least for me.
The fact that I get to "try" again is really great. But it doesn't bring my first two babies back. The fact that it might have been natures way of taking care of herself... well, I am not one to argue with mother nature- though I would like too. It is the words that people are so quick to speak when they have NO idea what they are talking about and have NO idea what someone like myself and the countless millions of other women are going through.

The best words I have received thus far have been "I am really sorry. If you ever need to talk or cry I am right here." Simple. Open. Smart.

It is hard to know what to say when someone loses someone. I know. It is awkward. Strange and uncomfortable- but it cannot be ignored nor replaced with anecdotes. If someone lost their mother I wouldn't say "Well, at least you had a mother!" Or, "Well, she lived a long and happy life." These statements really are void of all thought. They are stupid and dense. Perhaps just saying "I'm sorry for your loss... if there is anything I can do please call." That is enough. That says it all. No one can ever measure the depth of someone else's pain and the run of the mill words don't work- they are shallow- they lack introspection and actually make things sting even more.

I have been guilty of these thoughtless words. And through my experiences of losing two babies I will no longer think I can make someone feel better with fadic communion- death deserves more thought and concern and perhaps less quip and whimsy.

Or what about after quite awhile after the loss. The time when you are supposed to "be over it". My husband and I were thinking on trying again. I played the idea around in my head. I asked for other people for their opinion. I know right, bad idea. I want to be hopeful, I want to be at peace again. I know it will be rough and I will not be getting any peace the whole pregnancy. The words of others are not comforting. More often than not, they tell me " You need to gain weight first." Or "Are you really sure you want too, what if it happens again?" No shit shirlocks, don't they think I have already thought this. Are they doctors and just didn't tell me about their PHD. Really? They bring the doubts back into the forefront of my mind. I doubt my decision and want to rethink the whole thing.

Why is it so hard for people to support rather than initiate the bad things to them. The thing that gets me the most is the weight thing. Yes. I am petite. But I am healthy. The doctors say that is not the reason I lost her. So why act like you know? The look they give me when I announced I might be trying again......was a look of shock, fear, or even a are you crazy look. They hound me about all sorts of questions. Like I am in an interview, trying to make myself look good so I might get the job.

Words....I will never understand those that speak of things they know nothing of.....

Lord help me tune out their voices and listen to nothing else but yours!!

Confusions, trying to find my way home.

It seems no matter how hard I try I cannot find my way home. Where I was before I got pregnant. Where I was before I lost my baby girl. It seems that this deep seeded anger and hurt will not go away. They just bury themselves deeper. Oh, sure, I am able to laugh with the best of them again... tell a joke, be with friends... go to work without hiding in a bathroom stall, even eat. I can even talk about my expierence now without crying, but I am crying on the inside and no one knows this but me. I cannot shake the pain. The emptiness. The feeling of "I should have had a baby right now."

My friends... my family... it is everywhere and always a big fat reminder of what I can't have and what I don't have. Girls I went to highschool with havnig babies, writing about their doctor appts, and posting ultra sounds. By rights they should. In a moment I am happy for them. Then the saddness sets in and I push it aside. I bury it. The one thing I want I can't have. Sure, I can try again, but that doesn't give me my daughter.

I am to scared. Ohh, the mental change is exhausting. Do I want a baby? Do I want to try again? Yes. Atleast I think I do. But then I worry. Do I want it more than ever because I havn't been able to have one? DO I want a baby because that is what is "supposed to happen" in life?
Do I want a baby because my soul aches for one?

There are days where I actually try to convince myself that life would be so much easier without the trouble of children and pregnancy. The last month has been difficult again- just when you think you are home free from pain of the loss of a child and then it comes back to haunt you...it crawls deep into my soul....and I cannot escape it. I wish it was simple. That I could quite the doubts in my mind and the decision be made. I don't want to be scared but everytime we set a time to try, I put it off. First it was November. Now it's closer than ever. So now it's January. I wonder if I will flake out again. Who Knows.

The Reason

I originally began writing to cope with my loss of a child. At first I began writing in a notebook but the pages began filling too quickly. Then i came across this site a great friend of mine is on. It seemed perfect. So this is my outlit. When its 2:30 in the morning and everyone is sleeping but I am up weeping. I can sit and type as much as long and it's easier on my hands, lol.
It is the biggest loss of my life... both of my miscarriages. I won't be the same. I won't ever forget. And I won't just BOUNCE BACK... I WILL TALK ABOUT IT!!!!

So, I write ths blog because it gives me a place of freedom. It gives me a place to tell my story- because my story keeps going on- even though it is more than a year since my 1st miscarriage and almost a year since my second loss which was much farther along. I was supposed to give birth on April 16th 2009 to Ashlynn Marie Lecomte. But tragically that day came too soon. We lost her December 20th, 2008. But my story doesn't stop at the loss of our babies. In fact it was the beginning. I feel as if I am on a crusade. A crusade to get a dialogue started.