Letting Go

The most difficult lesson that I have had to learn so far is to let go of the things you cannot change. I am a planner. I like control. Now I am not saying I am a control freak, I just like to know where things are going. Like money, future plans, and well myself. My husband, however, is the complete opposite. He is the live in the now kind of person. And, man, do I wish it would rub off on me. For today I took a pregnancy test. That's right, stupid me. Ever since that false pregnancy my system has been of the fritz. My periods are no longer regular. But out of sheer hope for my situation, I thought there was no way I could be on a 35 day cycle. I was wrong. My pregnancy test came out negative.

A strange thing happened at that moment. I wasn't disappointed. Well I was but not to the extent I thought I was going to be. You know the crying hysterics I am so used to succumbing too. I now believe I am truly numb. Maybe I have convinced myself that I will most likely never get pregnant again. Could that be true? I don't know. I have people telling me that I will have children, just at the right time. Maybe it's for the best that I convince myself of me never conceiving a child. Therefore, nothing can let you down if you were never hopeful in the first place. I know sounds like denial.

I never really thought of myself as a religious person. More spiritual than anything. But I do believe there is a God. I seriously don't get his plan for my husband and me. I am so tired of trying to do everything myself. So instead of trying to control the situation. I am letting it go. I think I have already started that process and that is why i wasn't so broken up about my negative test. Lets see if it truly works out in the next couple of weeks.

I heard a song on the radio this morning, running errands, that really inspired me. The song was by Britt Nicole. The lyrics in every way spoke to me. i would just like to share them.

Feels like i`ve been here forever,
Why can`t you just intervene?
Do you see the tears keep falling?
And i`m falling apart at the seams.
But you never said the road would be easy,
But you said that you would never leave.
And you never promised that this life wasn`t hard,
But you promised you`d take care of me.

So I`ll stop searching for the answers,
I`ll stop praying for an escape,
And I`ll trust you,God, with where i am,
And believe that you will have your way.
Just have your way.

When my friends and my family have left me,
And I feel so ashamed and so cold.
Remind me that you take broken things
And turn them into beautiful.

So I`ll stop searching for the answers,
I`ll stop praying for an escape,
And i`ll trust you, God, with where i am,
And believe that you`ll have your way.
Just have your way.

Even if my dreams have died,
And even if i don`t survive,
I`ll still worship you with all my life.

Almost to the Point of Giving Up!

It seems that life really is like a wave. You have your highs and your lows. Unfortuantely it seems the highs do not last long. Atleast, not for me. It has been awhile now since my last blog. Since then, my husband and I, have been trying to concieve. One year after the loss of our angel. We were positive, excited, and happy. I went off birth control and was off of it for 5 months. Then we started to try. We got a positive test the first month we had been trying. So excited that we might have a second chance. Only 5 days later did I start my period. Normal right? Except that it was a fluke. My body didn't recognize it as a pregnancy and had an abrupt abortion. I was devastated, I want to just shake myself and try to stop getting my hopes up. Since then, I haven't had much luck in concieving since then.

So now my "healed" feelings are not so healed anymore. Its coming back. All my hurt and anxiety are here. Somehow the thought of me being able to try again and have a second chance kept me going. Now the thought of me might not being able to concieve. That Ashlynn was my only chance just seems curshing. It seems everywhere I turn someone is pregnant. It comes so easily to them. My heart breaks so many times over and over again. I want to be a mother so badly I can't stand it. People are having kids that in all reality don't deserve such a wonderful gift.

But I can't help but to have hope. Lately I have been crying more and even thinking about my baby girl has me in tears. Is it because I am having a hard time getting pregnant? I do not know. Wish I did. I miss her so much. It's crazy how it seems like it happened not to long ago. I still remember how she felt so tiny and light in my arms. Every detail engraved in my mind. I still do not have an answers to my questions. I never expected that when they time heals all wounds...that it would indeed take TIME. That the time is different for everyone. I thought I was ready to move on and I have. It just seems that my troubles in concieving are bringing that loss back to the forefront of my mind. Thats all I can think about.

I am praying to the Lord to give me strength. Get me back on track. To not focus on the negative. keep hope of what the future might bring. Give me patience (which is one thing I am indeed lacking). Although doesn't help that it seems everyone and their dog is pregnant. I am to the point of almost giving up. Everytime I am to that point I can't let myself cross that threshold. Maybe thats what is keeping my head above water. That if I give up hope, they will have to carry me to the loney ben and I wll never return. That's it so far. When things go good for a while you find yourself just waiting for the ball to drop..... I am there. Wondering if me having a hard time getting pregnant is the ball hitting the floor. I hope not. Or maybe I hope it is. Cause atleast it is something I can overcome. We will see. I have no idea what the future holds. I only hope that our luck changes. That it is our turn for once. Something has to go our way for a change! Doesn't it?