Almost to the Point of Giving Up!

It seems that life really is like a wave. You have your highs and your lows. Unfortuantely it seems the highs do not last long. Atleast, not for me. It has been awhile now since my last blog. Since then, my husband and I, have been trying to concieve. One year after the loss of our angel. We were positive, excited, and happy. I went off birth control and was off of it for 5 months. Then we started to try. We got a positive test the first month we had been trying. So excited that we might have a second chance. Only 5 days later did I start my period. Normal right? Except that it was a fluke. My body didn't recognize it as a pregnancy and had an abrupt abortion. I was devastated, I want to just shake myself and try to stop getting my hopes up. Since then, I haven't had much luck in concieving since then.

So now my "healed" feelings are not so healed anymore. Its coming back. All my hurt and anxiety are here. Somehow the thought of me being able to try again and have a second chance kept me going. Now the thought of me might not being able to concieve. That Ashlynn was my only chance just seems curshing. It seems everywhere I turn someone is pregnant. It comes so easily to them. My heart breaks so many times over and over again. I want to be a mother so badly I can't stand it. People are having kids that in all reality don't deserve such a wonderful gift.

But I can't help but to have hope. Lately I have been crying more and even thinking about my baby girl has me in tears. Is it because I am having a hard time getting pregnant? I do not know. Wish I did. I miss her so much. It's crazy how it seems like it happened not to long ago. I still remember how she felt so tiny and light in my arms. Every detail engraved in my mind. I still do not have an answers to my questions. I never expected that when they time heals all wounds...that it would indeed take TIME. That the time is different for everyone. I thought I was ready to move on and I have. It just seems that my troubles in concieving are bringing that loss back to the forefront of my mind. Thats all I can think about.

I am praying to the Lord to give me strength. Get me back on track. To not focus on the negative. keep hope of what the future might bring. Give me patience (which is one thing I am indeed lacking). Although doesn't help that it seems everyone and their dog is pregnant. I am to the point of almost giving up. Everytime I am to that point I can't let myself cross that threshold. Maybe thats what is keeping my head above water. That if I give up hope, they will have to carry me to the loney ben and I wll never return. That's it so far. When things go good for a while you find yourself just waiting for the ball to drop..... I am there. Wondering if me having a hard time getting pregnant is the ball hitting the floor. I hope not. Or maybe I hope it is. Cause atleast it is something I can overcome. We will see. I have no idea what the future holds. I only hope that our luck changes. That it is our turn for once. Something has to go our way for a change! Doesn't it?