Letting Go

The most difficult lesson that I have had to learn so far is to let go of the things you cannot change. I am a planner. I like control. Now I am not saying I am a control freak, I just like to know where things are going. Like money, future plans, and well myself. My husband, however, is the complete opposite. He is the live in the now kind of person. And, man, do I wish it would rub off on me. For today I took a pregnancy test. That's right, stupid me. Ever since that false pregnancy my system has been of the fritz. My periods are no longer regular. But out of sheer hope for my situation, I thought there was no way I could be on a 35 day cycle. I was wrong. My pregnancy test came out negative.

A strange thing happened at that moment. I wasn't disappointed. Well I was but not to the extent I thought I was going to be. You know the crying hysterics I am so used to succumbing too. I now believe I am truly numb. Maybe I have convinced myself that I will most likely never get pregnant again. Could that be true? I don't know. I have people telling me that I will have children, just at the right time. Maybe it's for the best that I convince myself of me never conceiving a child. Therefore, nothing can let you down if you were never hopeful in the first place. I know sounds like denial.

I never really thought of myself as a religious person. More spiritual than anything. But I do believe there is a God. I seriously don't get his plan for my husband and me. I am so tired of trying to do everything myself. So instead of trying to control the situation. I am letting it go. I think I have already started that process and that is why i wasn't so broken up about my negative test. Lets see if it truly works out in the next couple of weeks.

I heard a song on the radio this morning, running errands, that really inspired me. The song was by Britt Nicole. The lyrics in every way spoke to me. i would just like to share them.

Feels like i`ve been here forever,
Why can`t you just intervene?
Do you see the tears keep falling?
And i`m falling apart at the seams.
But you never said the road would be easy,
But you said that you would never leave.
And you never promised that this life wasn`t hard,
But you promised you`d take care of me.

So I`ll stop searching for the answers,
I`ll stop praying for an escape,
And I`ll trust you,God, with where i am,
And believe that you will have your way.
Just have your way.

When my friends and my family have left me,
And I feel so ashamed and so cold.
Remind me that you take broken things
And turn them into beautiful.

So I`ll stop searching for the answers,
I`ll stop praying for an escape,
And i`ll trust you, God, with where i am,
And believe that you`ll have your way.
Just have your way.

Even if my dreams have died,
And even if i don`t survive,
I`ll still worship you with all my life.