Confusions, trying to find my way home.

It seems no matter how hard I try I cannot find my way home. Where I was before I got pregnant. Where I was before I lost my baby girl. It seems that this deep seeded anger and hurt will not go away. They just bury themselves deeper. Oh, sure, I am able to laugh with the best of them again... tell a joke, be with friends... go to work without hiding in a bathroom stall, even eat. I can even talk about my expierence now without crying, but I am crying on the inside and no one knows this but me. I cannot shake the pain. The emptiness. The feeling of "I should have had a baby right now."

My friends... my family... it is everywhere and always a big fat reminder of what I can't have and what I don't have. Girls I went to highschool with havnig babies, writing about their doctor appts, and posting ultra sounds. By rights they should. In a moment I am happy for them. Then the saddness sets in and I push it aside. I bury it. The one thing I want I can't have. Sure, I can try again, but that doesn't give me my daughter.

I am to scared. Ohh, the mental change is exhausting. Do I want a baby? Do I want to try again? Yes. Atleast I think I do. But then I worry. Do I want it more than ever because I havn't been able to have one? DO I want a baby because that is what is "supposed to happen" in life?
Do I want a baby because my soul aches for one?

There are days where I actually try to convince myself that life would be so much easier without the trouble of children and pregnancy. The last month has been difficult again- just when you think you are home free from pain of the loss of a child and then it comes back to haunt you...it crawls deep into my soul....and I cannot escape it. I wish it was simple. That I could quite the doubts in my mind and the decision be made. I don't want to be scared but everytime we set a time to try, I put it off. First it was November. Now it's closer than ever. So now it's January. I wonder if I will flake out again. Who Knows.